I had no idea such a thing existed, but apparently Fox News has this thing called the “Patriot Awards,” where they crown some ultra-American as Patriot of the Year. It’s so American that Sean Hannity will be the host.
Yes, really.
And this year, that honor is being bestowed upon none other than First Lady Melania Trump. For what? I’m not sure. Let’s explore what she could have possibly done these last few months to deserve such high accolades from Fox News…
Selflessly sacrificing her residence for a ballroom?
Everyone knows that Donald Trump loves Big Balls. He also likes ballrooms, too.
One problem he had with the White House was that the only place he could envision building the big, ugly ballroom that he imagined was where the First Lady’s residence stood. Melania was so sympathetic to the idea of never visiting her husband for the next three years that she told him it was fine to destroy her residence if it would make him happy. And so he did.
It’s that—or a distraught Donald Trump had the East Wing demolished in reprisal against his wife for not having the heart to live by his side, albeit in a completely different section of the house.
The first telling sounds a lot more heroic and deserving of the prize.
As reward for her years spent undercover
Republicans have a theory: the reason for Donald Trump’s years-long friendship with Jeffrey Epstein was that he was actually cooperating with the federal government and helping them gather crucial evidence to send Epstein to prison. They all repeat the lie. Even Mike Johnson.
With the spotlight back on the Epstein files, Prince Andrew having fully disgraced the Royal Family, and Ghislaine Maxwell safely tucked away in a minimum-security country club prison, perhaps Melania’s secret mission has come to an end. She was, after all, in close contact with all of them. Could that be it?
Her love and compassion
Nothing describes Melania Trump more than a woman consumed with love and compassion. She visited immigrant children who had been separated from their parents while being held in a detention center. How selfless is that?
Just forget that it was her husband who had the children locked away in the first place—or her risqué choice of outfit: a plain green jacket with “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” emblazoned on the back.
She’s also known to be especially fond of Christmas, like any great patriot. Every year, she sells a new, overpriced “collectible” Christmas ornament – as is the American way. Her adoration of the holiday was made especially clear when she was recorded saying, “I’m working my ass off on the Christmas stuff, that you know, who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations? But I need to do it, right?”
Such eloquence.
The First Lady has been nothing but eloquent from the beginning of her husband’s presidential aspirations. Who can forget the heartfelt speech she gave at the 2016 convention? We’re looking really far back now—but could it be that the then–future First Lady’s speech is what Fox News’ panelists considered when deciding she should receive this great patriotic honor?
Except, of course, she stole that speech from Michelle Obama.
If you had to pick, which of these great acts are “Patriot of the Year” worthy?
Or is there more that I’ve forgotten?